I am not my illness

This disease is consuming my life. It kind of sucks to remember what it was like to be healthy. I’m definitely doing better but I just wish I had a job and moving along with my life. I’m trying to think of this as my new adventure, taking care of myself as my job, but I wish I got paid for it and I wish someone understood. Some days feel extra lonely, but I’m getting through it.

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I should be asleep. But I’m not and that’s okay.

Letting go of perfectionism is a difficult task for me, but in order to overcome my illness I must. Getting on a schedule is crucial, but letting go is more important. I plan to wake up at 6:30 and go to sleep by 10:30 (It’s currently 11:09). Some days it’s hard to stay on track but I’m doing my best. I can’t beat myself up over it. I didn’t do all the exercises for my Pelvic Floor.

My main goal is to try to reach my goals but RELAX. Having central sensitization syndrome, I have to learn to breathe, relax my muscles, and relax my brain. I assume meditation, diet, and exercise will be key. Everything will be okay.

1 month in NYC

I’ve almost been home for one month. It seems like much longer. Things are moving along with doctor appointments and physical therapy. I’ve seen one of my friends since I’ve been home and have applied to some jobs. I’m going to visit my boyfriend in NC in less than a month. I currently have a cold so I’ve been in bed just binge watching tv. I’ve watched 22 episodes of Degrassi thus far. Living the life, am I right?

It’s 2017. Holy shit. It’s funny, I had made a couple of posts on here from 2013 that I’ve decided to delete, and 4 years later I can still relate to them. I’m 25 years old and I’m living at home. It’s still cold and I still feel pretty down a lot. But let me not get ahead of myself.

For all of you who do not know me, my name is Sam and I’m on a journey to have a little bit of happiness everyday. I have a very supportive family, a very loving boyfriend, and a masters degree.  I was very lost after college and I was finally getting my life together after a long ride. Then something unexpected happened, I got sick. You see, I’m your typical worry wart stress ball perfectionist. I usually take on more than I can handle and try to tackle it. But this time it was different. Long story short after 7 months of having very odd symptoms, I’ve been diagnosed with central sensitization syndrome with fibromyalgia features and pelvic floor dysfunction. I still have more tests to get done for a few more conditions but this has taken a toll on my life. I was working at a new good job, was about to move in with my boyfriend, and finally moving toward independence. But apparently that wasn’t meant to be my path, so here I am back home, getting physical therapy, learning my triggers, and trying to learn to cope. 

Anywho, I’m alive, I’m okay and I will get through this. After 3 years, I’m finally getting back into writing and finding my safe place. I’ll be writing about my life, my illnesses, and the new things I learn. I will try to emphasize positivity as that’s something that is currently necessary for my life. 

So for those of you reading, the unexpected can happen, you can’t plan life, but it will all be okay. Keep hope.